Just Look at What You've Done!

That whole thing was stupid. I can't just walk away like that. You want to be able to trust me and I'm starting to realize that this is part of why you don't. I hide things from you. I love you and I shouldn't be keeping anything from you. What do I have to do though to convince you? It's not like you'll read this. I can't go run off with someone else when you're trying to just do whats right by your conscious. I would feel horrible now. Anna... Look at what you've made me. I've turned into this conforming, compliant, bendable, man that you have way too much control of. This is only going to get worse, but it makes me feel that much closer to you and that much more able to justify my current position. I feel that since I can tell myself no and I can control myself because of my want for you, it shows me how much I actually care about you and how much I've truly changed. Yet it still sounds like BS. I need to keep working at it... I need some help though. I'm changing for the better.

Anna,

                I start this playlist with a song I discovered this summer. It sums up the meaning for creating the playlist in the first place. “Those three words are said too much, they’re not enough.” It also asks a question that I love to hear and better yet, I was fortunate enough to entice an answer out of you. Were the world to forget us then we would be the happiest two souls on earth.

                The next song is a little more about what I wish to give you and it illustrates a beautiful point. I eventually reached a point at which I figured out that I was very attached to you. I was scared of it and continuously pushed us apart using other people and excuses to hide behind. Nonetheless it has a powerful message that also explains my strong protective feelings for you as well. “I’ll take a bullet for you if it comes to that.”

                The next song is a favorite of mine. It features two singers, whom I admire for they’re voices. In fact the reason I chose this song is funny, and since I’m willing to laugh at myself it makes you happy then so be it. I once lay In bed one night and put this song on repeat until I fell asleep. By the time I was so tired I could barely sing anymore I felt like I was doing a pretty good job of imitating the voice I covet so much. The next morning I could barely speak when my dad so eagerly reminded me of how bad my voice was and apparently I said Anna in my sleep all night that night. I kid you not, that is a true story. I never told you because I was embarrassed but it seems to be getting easier and easier to tell you things.

                Dirty Little Secret was an iffy choice but I eventually decide d that it was appropriate. I’m brought back to that stairwell In freshman year that was so daring and adventurous for us to enter every day. It takes me back and forth through time when I “wasted my time with you.” But don’t take that the wrong way. That only means I felt as if the time we spent flew by... Yet we didn’t care.

                For the longest time I would find myself playing this song in my head over and over again and up until recently it had no face to go with it, it was just a pretty song that made me feel like I was close to someone. However, in current days, it has changed for me, going from this subtle love song to a full-blown representation of the way I feel about how much further apart we are. I can always listen to it now and hope you’re taking it to heart.

                I love this song. It was written by one of my favorite bands, and it clearly describes what I hope will happen in the first few lines. But that is merely a coincidence. The reason I picked the song for this was because It paints a picture of a very unstable and very turbulent relationship. I felt that even though it painted that picture it was a beautiful representation of “us” and it truly states so many times that “somehow I found a way to get lost in you”

                Both of the following songs are the songs I remember from our first few encounters. I can still remember how our first legitimate conversation was about Nickelback. Although they are in this playlist they aren’t featured here. However, the songs that are do fit the situation at least a little. Their lyrics aren’t meant to be taken too seriously because the reason they are in here is to remind us of the small happy things like the moment breaking Benjamin was recommended to me and the moment I was told that my biology teacher was married to a doctor who had appeared in one of my favorite videos.

                This next song is a little disappointing and it won’t comfort you if you’re hoping that I’ll just “let you go” and leave. I cannot do that. I find it impossible to comprehend and refuse to try. I want you to understand that I will stick by you, even if only in the shadows behind you, until you’re able to show your feelings for me. Rob Thomas is by far one of my favorite song writers and singers. Following Chad Kroeger and Jason Mraz. If you don’t know his voice well then please get to know it. I also love another song he sang for but that’s another story for another time, just to keep you coming back.

                This song makes me laugh sometimes because of its solemn tone. 3 Doors Down songs all sound the same, but this one’s message fits because its lyrics are very clear about how I wish you felt about me. It describes you as I want you to be, which isn’t too far from what you are. I want you to be the one I can find shelter in. The one that will love me when I’m weak and when I can stand up against all odds and fight back at the world and all of its harsh torments.

                The very first song I ever associated with someone was “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven. Since then, they have come out with a new album and that album has a particular song that I think emulates the way I came about realizing that I couldn’t run from you and that you were the one person that I didn’t want to make up for something I felt was missing. I wanted you because you are you and it took two long years to realize that, almost as if I had been “living in a dream about you.”

                I didn’t randomly arrange these songs…  If that were the case then I could have told you to go listen to them and what they mean. I actually did this because I was feeling sappy and absorbed. I wanted to show you how I feel rather than tell you, and since I cannot do that physically I needed to find a way around a kiss or a hug. I put this song where it is because it better emphasizes my change in mood after I realized that I had been running and trying to compensate for things that were out of my control and after of course, I stopped feeling sorry for myself. That’s not to say that I don’t feel sorry for myself because indeed I do, but I know now what I want and the irony is that “I’m not strong enough to stay away” anymore.

                And so I beg you with this next song. I beg you to tell me that you love me. I know that a part of you does and that you’re scared of it but I just need you to tell me once, just once. It would make this torture so much more bearable and less hurtful. As I told you, I have nothing to fall back on; no family, no friends, no good memories except the ones I have with you and unless I can see them as happy they don’t help. Please just help me get through this. I promise I can if you give me that hope.

                Because as this next song explains perfectly: “I feel like a hero when you are my heroine.” Aside from that, it’s a beautiful song that I have enjoyed listening to since seventh grade, and much like some of the others, I would always imagine a blank face when I listened to it until recently. As corny and as sappy and sorry as this is getting it still remains true.

                Because every time I hugged you and every time I used to kiss you, I felt for the first time in my memorable life like I had found a small port in the storm; a home away from the houses I floated in and out of. I never considered them home. The only home I had known was taken away when I was ten, and I was barely able to remember it. But the Image I cling to most from that entire portion of my life is that one image of me siting in the kitchen with my parents looming over me and kissing each other as if nothing could separate them. I kid you not, I have tried to forget everything about that part of my life but the more I try the less it works.

                Finally, as if I couldn’t be more anticlimactic, and as if I couldn’t be more dramatic, I picked a song to describe you… I no longer want to make excuses for myself, explaining my actions, and focusing everything on me. I love you and try as I might I can’t read your mind. As we agreed to rebuild a relationship I want to know you for who you are. Sure, I know a lot about you and I know how to make you happy and how to disappoint you but I want to take that further. I want a relationship that doesn’t focus on me for once. All anyone ever wanted to know about was my sad past but now you know and you know that I’m not perfect because of it, but I want to know all about you. I don’t want to tell just the story of Dante I want to tell the story of Amanda as well so that when this is over there can be a happily ever after… This song is a representation of who I see every day. Her beauty and grace along with her intelligence and moral compass. Everything about you I find fascinating and cannot wait to get to know better… I really do love you and I hope you can believe that Anna.
                                                                              For better or for worse, for who you are,
                                                                                                                                   ]{ev

I Won't Carry a Heavy Heart

          I will miss you too terribly to imagine. When you leave me I will suffer heartache that I have yet to face in my life. I'm sure of this now. Even though now is two years too late. I don't deserve the chance you gave me and I definitely don't deserve the chance that may come from this. I know where you are now. I know how that feels. I was there for the years that you were where I stand now. I only wish that you let me see you form time to time. I see you every school day but I know that what I'm seeing is a mask. I merely wish that you would take the mask off every now and then and let me see the one that I know still loves me.
          For the time that you spend away I make a promise to you. If you are ever feeling lost, you need simply ask me to write for you. If you are ever feeling scared, you need simply ask me to hold your hand or hug you. And if you ever feel for any reason that I am gone and you want me there, you need simply tell me where you are and I'll tell you what time we'll see each other again...
          "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."
                   -Lao Tzu

A Plea for Your Sanity

          I know you don't want to hear this. I know you don't want me to tell you anything. I know that even if someone else told you you wouldn't listen. I'm doing this for me. I'm doing this because if I don't I couldn't live with myself much longer watching you live like this. Michi, for my sake, just as much as yours, find someone, find something, I don't care. Just don't let life get to you like this anymore. You have your family in crosshairs of loathing and you've thrown your beautiful glass heart at a brick wall that can't catch it. I haven't talked to you forever, as a matter of fact I'll text you and/or message you when I'm through writing. Just please... If you ever find this don't yell at me for reading everything you write, and caring about you enough to write back. I know you don't read my posts and if someone that knows her is reading this please show her. Please. Just leave that behind, Michi. I'll see if I can't find one of my old bikes or something. Okay?

Forest Nights

          I looked back and smiled as we walked into the woods. You stared forward and waited in anticipation. The trees were silent tonight without wind to make them dance and whisper as we passed between them. Few things could be heard. The light from the moon shone through the canopy very sparingly and splashed the ground with luminescent dots and lines of silver and white as if the heavens were lighting the way for us. I took your hand and held you closer as we tread over roots and stumps finally stopping to rest in a small patch of silver where there were larger holes in the leaves above. An owl called in the distance and the wind suddenly picked up sending the silver on a flight across the ground around us, dancing and twirling in a ballet of beautiful unorganized chaos. I took your hand and had you lay down next to me in the grass looking up through the trees as they shook. The wind died down again and the owl called once more but this time fainter. crickets were chirping gleefully around us and the animals could be heard moving carefully through the bushes and shrubs while we looked at the leaves above... once again lifeless in the cool, still night air.

A Day Made Bearable

          I was happy to have you there when the shit hit the fan. That entire trip was a time bomb waiting to go off and... Well, sadly enough it did, and you kind of got caught in it, but trust me you were far from the point of detonation. There was no way that I was going to be able to make everyone there happy because they were simply just to close. The other two were obnoxious and immature the entire time. One was constantly teasing and flirting with my friend and the other was a complete bitch when I spoke merely a few words to her.

          I saw that you were hurting and since you weren't trying to make my day pitiful I only felt bad knowing it was because of me. You did everything right and now I believe that I'm just going to cut the others off; set them free. It'll be painful for them but for some reason I believe I won't quite mind as much as I should...

I Must Have Tricked Myself... but I'm Glad

          I only realized it now. I only felt it today in the courtyard. Her happiness was like a drug. I had longed so much to see her happy for months now and it finally happened. She made it work and she couldn't be better. I can hear it in the way she talks and see it in her behavior of late. I'm proud of her. She bore the pain and set her mind on the one thing she wanted, then when I was starting to think she wouldn't she won him back. I should be more like her. I just don't have the drive. I lack the care or the want to do anything more than sulk and wallow in self pity. She didn't and it changed her world. I can tell, and I couldn't be more genuinely happy for her, and for myself for that matter.